The Competition
by michelle alexis
Summary: Part 1 of the miniseries
1. Default Chapter Title

** The Competition   
Part 1  
Guest starring: Christine#1, Christine #2, Ashley, Jessica#1, Jessica #2, Haley, and Stephanie   
**

  
***Note to readers: Please read "Prologue to 'The Competion'" before this so you don't get lost while reading this, alright? Thanks! And rate my story please. -Shirley

In the last edition, Shirley and Carmine's dance studio had been chosen out of all the studios in Wisconsin to go to the Central Division Championships in Chicago. Then Lenny and Laverne were also chosen to go to the swing dance competition, along with Shirley and Carmine. Right now, they're on the train. About another hour to go.   
  
(Lenny, Laverne, Shirley, and Carmine are sitting in a four seat row. Laverne is sleeping for some reason with a huge grin on her face. Lenny is sleeping with his head on Laverne's shoulder. If she was awake she would have smacked him off just about now. Shirley and Carmine have lifted up the arm rest and curled up together on one and a half seats. The girls in Shirley's dance class are extremely envious and asking for something to pull them apart just about...... now!)  
  
(The train suddenly stops and everyone on it jerks forward. )  
  
(From the row behind them, Shirley is hit with a book on the head)  
Shirley: (looks at it) Whoa, this thing hurts!   
Carmine: What book was it, angelface?   
Shirley: All 2000 pages of the Bible!   
Lady in back of them: Sorry!   
Shirley: How could Lenny and Laverne sleep through all this?   
Carmine: I'm going back to sleep.   
Shirley: I can't now. I have to think.   
  
(she reclines her seat back, and suddenly, she is tossed forward.)  
Lady in back: Try that again and I'll give ya a smack!   
  
(Shirley, unable to recline her chair for fear of being attacked by Moses and pals. She sits on her side, being faced with Lenny's greased hair. She turns around again, and puts her arms around Carmine's waist and trys to fall asleep. And she does. Works for me. =o) )  
  
(about an hour later, over the intercom comes an announcement)  
  
Announcer: We have now arrived in Chicago, please pick up your bags and walk out in an orderly fashion.   
  
(the dance teacher stands up)  
Teacher: Class, class, pick up your bags and walk out and wait for everyone. We're taking the bus to the hotel.   
  
(Shirley punches Laverne in the arm)  
Shirley: Vernie, we're in Chicago! Wake up!  
Laverne: Shirl, I'm gonna kill ya! I was having the best dream of my life!   
Shirley: Smut can wait! We have a competition to get to!  
Laverne: Smut waits for no one.   
  
(they all walk out and stand around waiting for their bus. Everybody's checking their costumes and accessories and seeing if they have all their makeup and hair accessories for each dance. In other words, everyone is a nervous wreck screaming their lungs out if they forgot a hair ribbon or safety pins. [I've been to one of these things before, we really do this at big competitions.] )  
Shirley: I am calm.  
Laverne: You are calm.  
Shirley: How can I be calm at a time like this? I forgot a hair ribbon! Laverne, they take points off for this!   
(One of Shirley's friends from dance class, Christine#1, smacks her with a ballet shoe.)  
Shirley: Thanks Chrissy, I needed that.  
Chrstitine#1: No problem, what are friends for?  
(someone from inside the huge crowd of students screams. Shirley, being one of the very paranoid ones, runs to the middle and sees Ashley screaming, with her head inside her costume bag)  
Haley: (trying to calm Ashley down) Ashley! Get a hold of yourself! You'll ruin your bun!   
(Ashley pulls her head out of the bag)   
Ashley: I didn't bring a costume! I didn't bring one! I forgot one! Why?!  
Haley: If you don't shut up and stay calm I'll smack you with this pointe shoe*.   
  
(*= these shoes are like ballet shoes, except with wood in the front. Very hurtful. Don't mess with someone with a pair of these.)  
  
Stephanie: Hey! The bus is here! Come on! We can buy all this stuff in the store of the hotel!   
(a sight of cheerfulness rises from the girls and guys, then they all run towards the bus)  
  
(Christine #2 walks over to Shirley)  
Christine #2: So Shirl, is that your partner for the swing contest? The guy for the greasy hair?  
Shirley: Not in this lifetime. The one with the curly hair, Carmine, he's my partner. He's in our dance classes, you should know.   
Christine: Anyway, see that guy over there?   
(she points to someone who looks a LOT like Squiggy)  
Christine: He's the nicest guy. I met him at the Pizza Bowl, and we took some of the swing classes. His name is Andrew.   
Shirley: Squiggy? You're dancing with Squiggy? You're gonna lose!   
Squiggy: Shirley?   
Lenny: Squiggy?   
Carmine & Laverne: Squiggy?   
Laverne: How'd he get here?   
Squiggy: I'm gonna beat ya in the contest Leanord. Be prepared.   
(him and Christine get on the bus and the four of them are in shock)  
Everybody: SQUIGGY?   
  
(a few minutes later, they're in the hotel and everyone is rushing towards the hotel for hair pins, safety pins, and sewing kits. [You learn to sew at an early age when you're at a dance studio.] Not to mention the essentials: chocolate and orange juice [warning: for separate eating only, do NOT mix if you know what's good for you]. After buying everything they all need, the girls and guys go upstairs to their hotel rooms. Very posh indeed.)  
Teacher: Alright, Shirley and Carmine, over my dead body are you two sharing a hotel room.   
Shirley: That can be arranged.   
Teacher: Laverne and...... Jessica (#1). You go in room 3B.  
(they pick up their bags and trudge towards the room)  
Jessica#1: I'm not gonna lie to ya Laverne, I wanted Marie to be my roommate.   
Laverne: I wanted Shirl to be my roommate. Let's make the best of it.   
(back to room orders)  
Teacher: Shirley, you're with....... Jessica(#2). Room 3E.   
(they grab their stuff and walk away, with only Carmine and Lenny left. )  
Teacher: Carmine, Lenny, you're in room 3F.   
(Shirley snickers from down the hall)  
  
(after everyone gets settled [in other words, 3 hours later] they're called to the ballroom downstairs for a dance class, where they rehearse their dances for the main competition and routines for the swing competition)  
Teacher: Okay, Laverne and Lenny, let's see your swing routine. Who choreographed this for you?   
Laverne & Lenny: Huh?   
Stephanie: Who made the routine? All the steps and everything?   
Laverne: Oh, umm, uhh, one of the teachers. The real cute guy teacher.  
Teacher: ::raises eyebrow:: Let's see it.   
(after a very complicated routine with a lot of tosses and spins, which comes out seemingly perfect, the class is dismissed and they can wander around the hotel until 6 o' clock)  
  
Laverne: Hey Shirl!   
Shirley: What?   
Laverne: Let's go find some makeout places. That guy in the jazz class asked me for a date.   
Shirley: You mean Derek? Oh, he's cute. He's real cute. He's too cute. I want him!  
Laverne: You have Carmine.   
Shirley: Just as cute. Anyway, where do you think could be a good place to makeout?   
Laverne: Follow me, follow me.   
(they get into an elevator and go to the top floor)  
  
(at 6:30, the whole studio is in the dining room, just talking after dinner. Lenny and Carmine are talking to Squiggy and Derek.)  
Lenny: So you have no idea where Laverne is?  
Derek: I have no clue. She said she was going with Shirley to find makeout places.   
Carmine: Knowing Laverne, she probably found a guy to test out one of those spots. But Shirley just disappeared with her?   
Derek: Yea, it looks like that.   
Carmine: Well they better be on time, the competition is tomorrow at 9.   
  
  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

**The Competition  
Part 2  
Guest starring: Christine#1, Christine #2, Ashley,   
Samantha, and Haley  
**

  
  
When we last everyone, Shirley and Laverne were lost somewhere while Laverne was looking for a makeout spot. Squiggy had somehow  
convinced Christine #2 (sorry for the number things, but what can I do?) that he was a good dancer. ::raises eyebrow:: Anyway, back to the story.  
  
(in the dining hall of the hotel, the solitary guys are sitting smack dab in the middle of the place, surrounded by girls at all sides. Too bad the second most attractive one has a girlfriend. [Derek is real cute. Think a short blond Sonny.] )  
  
Derek: They better not be late tomorrow. Those judges are real tough. They take points off if you have to delay them.   
Carmine: Let's go look for them.   
Squiggy: I don't know why I gotta look for 'em.   
  
(at one of the girls' table with our guest stars)  
Ashley: What do you see in that dork?   
Haley: It looks like a worm died in the middle of his forehead after landing in a greasepot.  
Samantha: Stop teasing her. She wants to go out with a loser it's her problem.   
Christine #2: He's not.... that much of a loser. But he's real cute.  
(each of the girls give Christine a raised eyebrow and a look.)  
Christine #1: What about Derek or Carmine? They're real cute.   
Ashley: No kidding. Especially Derek.   
Christine #2: I think Squiggy is really cute.   
Haley: (examines the salad) What is in this thing? A normal girl does not say that. Must be the dressing.   
Samantha: Hey, anybody know where Shirley and Laverne are? They didn't come down to dinner.   
Christine #1: Do you think that they found some guys?   
Ashley: Shirley has Carmine. And rumor has it, Laverne has Derek.   
Samantha: Tell us what you know and we'll tell you what we know.  
Ashley: Okay well anyway, before dinner.....  
  
(meanwhile, Laverne and Shirley are walking around the 30th floor. Somehow they got lost on the elevator.)  
Shirley: Laverne, how could you not know where you're going?   
Laverne: Aww, Shirl, this is excitin'. I mean, we never know what's gonna be around the corner. A beefcake or a serial killer.   
Voice from behind them: Or both.   
(They scream their lungs out and turn around and are faced with Carmine)  
Shirley: How could you do that to us? Are you insane?   
Carmine: Girls, calm down, we gotta get back to the dining room.   
Laverne: Where's Derek?   
Carmine: Uhh, we sorta split up looking for you girls.   
Shirley: All the girls too, right?   
Carmine: Not really. Just us four.   
Shirley: Are you stupid or something? We're in the middle of a hotel in a deserted floor with nothing! What if there's a black out? There is a storm outside!   
(the lights go out)  
Laverne: Shirl, where's your neck?  
Shirley: Why?  
Laverne: So I can wring it! How could you do this? Now we're lost and in the dark!!   
Carmine: Shut up! Both of you! I know the way back to the elevator.   
(they walk towards it and see the lights on the door)  
Carmine: See when you stay calm how everything works out?   
(the elevator comes and in the pitch black darkness Carmine puts a foot out to step in the elevator)  
Shirley: Get in there!  
Carmine: No! There's no elevator! The doors opened and there's no elevator!   
Laverne: Okay, then let's take the stairs.   
(turns around and bumps into someone)  
(the girls start screaming)  
  
(meanwhile, on the 15th floor........ )  
Lenny: Boy, sounds like someone's gettin' killed up there. I searhed my floor. Back downstairs.   
(the lights go off.)   
Lenny: Hello? Who did that? That ain't nice! Hey!   
(starts running in no particular direction)  
  
(meanwhile, in the third floor)  
Ashley: You know, those people have been gone a long time.   
Haley: Maybe they're lost.   
(the lights go off, and all that's heard is the ear piercing screams of 80 girls)  
Samantha: Hey! Everyone! Look, we gotta find Laverne, Shirley, and everyone else.   
Christine #2: And Squiggy! My hunk.   
Everybody: Shut up.   
Samantha: There's 40 floors, and 80 of us! That's 2 for every floor!! Now go!  
(you can hear everyone split up and head for the stairs)  
  
(back on the 30th floor, Laverne and Shirley are still screaming when the person covers their mouths.)  
Person: Be quiet girls. Who knows what kinda weirdoes are up here.   
Laverne: Derek? Derek, it's you!   
(hugs him)  
Derek: Yea it's me. Who did you think it was? A serial killer?  
Shirley: After Carmine scared us to death, yeah.   
Derek: Look, everthing's okay, let's go by the stairs.   
Another voice: Shirley! Laverne! Anyone!   
Shirley: Who is it?   
Laverne: This ain't your house Shirl! We're here! Come here!  
Voice: Guys! It's me, Christine (#1).  
Shirley: Christine! Where's everyone else?   
Christine: We split up. But I lost Ashley somewhere around here.   
Ashley: Christine! Christine, where are you? Don't tell me we lost you too!!   
(the girls scream and Ashley starts running. She comes around the corner and slams into all 5 of them and knocks them down)  
Shirley: Who did I fall on?   
Derek: You fell on me. Where's Laverne?   
Laverne: I'm over here!   
Carmine: Hey! Ashley, you okay?   
Ashley: I'm fine, but I can't see anything.   
Shirley: You're fine.   
Carmine: Is everyone alright?   
(everyone grumbles a yes and gets up)  
Laverne: Okay, we gotta stick together. Where are the stairs Christine?   
(they start feeling their way towards the stairs)  
  
(somewhere above them)  
Christine (#2): Hey! Anyone on this floor? Squiggy? Andrew, are you around here?  
Squiggy: I'm here my little, monkey wrench of love!   
Christine: I'm here! I'm here Andrew!   
(after a lot of tripping and falling they run into each other's arms and we leave this floor. [Disgusting thought, but Christine asked for it] Too much smut ruins MY script.)  
  
(on the 15th floor, Samantha and Haley are walking around and calling out to anyone who might be on the floor)  
Haley: Hey! Any body here? Anybody!  
(someone grumbling is heard, and Samantha and Haley scream)  
Voice: Would ya girls be quiet? I ran right into a wall.   
Haley: Lenny? Oh, Lenny!   
Lenny: Haley!   
(they run to each other and Samantha, being embarrassed watching these two maul each other, walks down the stairs)  
  
(as Samantha walks down the stairs, she here's loud footsteps above her coming in her direction. Panicking, she runs for her life to the third floor. When she gets there, she screams and runs to her room)  
Samantha: Serial killer! Serial killer! Help! there's a serial killer behind me! (screams) Is NO ONE LISTENING TO ME!? I said "SERIAL KILLER"!!  
Laverne: Sam, it's only us!  
Samantha: Laverne? Shirley? Anyone else?   
Derek: Me too, and Christine and Ashley and Carmine.   
Samantha: You guys! You found them!   
(runs towards them and knocks them all down)  
Carmine: Would you girls stop with the knocking down? It hurts!  
(some more people come out of the stairwell and trip and fall on them)  
Shirley: HELP! I'm on the bottom! Hey!   
(they help her up, and Shirley dusts herself off)  
Shirley: Great, I thought I couldn't get any flatter, but it's true.   
Laverne: Steamroller Shirley.   
(all the lights turn on)   
Laverne: Just when this was getting fun.   
Christine (#1): Hey, where's Haley and Chrissy?   
Samantha: Oh, Haley found Lenny on the 15th floor, and they just started..... well.......  
Teacher: Not in my dance studio they don't.   
(she runs up the stairs and the other teacher asks)  
Teacher #2: Where's Christine then?   
Ashley: That is a very good question.   
(she runs up the stairs to find them)  
Shirley: Well what do we do now?   
Laverne: I know what I'm gonna do.   
(leads Derek to her room)  
(all the girls look at Shirley and Carmine suspiciously )  
Shirley: I'm going, I'm going.   
(runs with him to her room)  
  
You think that's the end? Ha! No. There's more. They spend 2 weeks in Chicago and it ain't gonna end just like that. So just wait and see.....  
  



	3. Default Chapter Title

**The Competition   
Part 3  
Guest starring: Christine#2, Ashley, Stephanie, Haley, Christine#1   
**

  
The last time we left everyone, there were one too many censored scenes. Today is the first day of the competition. Everyone is in their rooms with their best friends getting ready for the first routine, jazz. After about an hour, everyone goes to one of the ballrooms to practice.   
  
Teacher: Okay now, for the part after the jazz split.   
(starts the counts again. About 20 minutes later, the group is waiting backstage to go on. Lenny and Laverne are around the hotel with some of the other girls who aren't in that dance.)  
Carmine: I feel so out of place.   
Shirley: Why?   
Carmine: Shirley, look around. I am the only guy in a dance of 20 girls.   
Ashley: What's so bad about that?   
Shirley: Back off.   
  
(they announce the name of their dance and everyone screams and lines up, fixing their hair and costumes one last time. At the count of four, they take two steps out onto the floor. When the music starts, everything starts moving in the routine practiced so many times over the past months. Steps are done, and turns are turned. When the music stops, a wave of relief washes over them and they walk out into the curtains and out the hallway to their rooms)   
  
(in the hallway)  
Shirley: That was great!   
(Carmine picks her up by the waist and carries her in the air)  
Haley: Come on you guys! We have 10 minutes until the next routine!!   
(they run down the hall towards their rooms)  
  
(in Shirley's room, all the girls and guys who didn't go to the first routine, are playing strip poker. When Shirley and Carmine walk in, Shirley shoves Carmine out and slams the door)  
Shirley: How can you be playing this game in my room?   
Laverne: Oh Shirl, have some fun! Look, why don't you play too?   
Shirley: Over my dead body. Now all of you, get out so I can change! I have 5 minutes until my next routine!   
  
(everyone grumbles and leaves, forgetting just one detail)  
Laverne: (pounding on the door) Shirl!! Give us our clothes! Derek's a really bad poker player, he lost almost everything!   
Shirley: Well that serves you right.   
(tosses out the clothes to them)  
(there's more slamming on the door.)  
Shirley: Who is it? I'm trying to change!   
Carmine: Angelface, it's Carmine! Can I come in!   
Shirley: No! I'm indecent! What do you want?   
Carmine: Our routine's been postponed! One of the judges has a virus! We have three hours!   
(Shirley finishes putting on her ballet outfit, then she opens the door and pulls Carmine inside)  
  
(meanwhile, our guest stars, Lenny, Laverne, Squiggy, and Derek are wandering around. Don't they KNOW that they have no sense of direction? Oh well. )  
Ashely: This is so great. I mean, this hotel is huge.   
Haley: Isn't it? It's totally great.   
Christine#1: I'm gonna go here with Squigg, see ya later.   
(drags him into a room and everyone keeps walking around.)  
Christine#2: So what do we do except walk around?   
Girls: Shopping!!   
Haley: not me. I'm going back to my room. But I ain't going alone.   
(raises an eyebrow and Lenny follows her to the elevator)  
Stephanie: What's with girls and elevators?   
Christine: They're a lot of fun, I'll tell you that.   
(they keep walking around)  
  
What will happen next? Stay tuned!!  



	4. Default Chapter Title

**The Competition   
Part 4  
Guest starring: Christine, Ashley, Samantha, Lisa, Haley   
  
  
**

Last time we left everyone, Derek had lost at strip poker in Shirley's room, there was a postponment of one of the routines, Squiggy and Christine were in some room on some floor, Haley and Lenny were god-knows-where, and the rest of our guest stars were promptly lost. Do you not learn anything?   
  
(on one of the floors and Christine has come back)  
Ashley: Alright, we're here.   
Christine: Ashley, we don't have a map, you idiot. We're in the middle of a hallway somewhere in a hotel with no guide or map.  
Lisa: Then let's go on the elevator.   
Samantha: Good idea. Where is it?   
Lisa: Gee, umm, around one of the corners?   
Christine: (in a sarcastic voice) Gee, duh. Okay, let's go.   
Ashley: At least there's not a....  
(Samantha covers her mouth)  
Samantha: I know what you're doing. You want there to be a   
b-l-a-c-k-o-u-t.  
Ashley: You don't have to spell in front of me.   
Samantha: But when you say something it always happens. So, shut up.   
(they trudge towards the stairs)  
  
(back to Shirley's room where she had dragged Carmine in two hours earlier. They were each lying on a bed watching a movie that Shirley loves. Carmine is bored out of his skull.)  
Carmine: Shirl, is this over yet?   
Shirley: Almost, almost done.   
Carmine: I'm gonna go to the ballroom and practice my part of the swing routine. The competition is tomorrow night.   
Shirley: Alright, let's go practice it.  
  
(At around that time, the girls had all found their way back to the third floor, vowing never to go back to a floor they don't know. You know they'll be back there. You know it! Anyway, Christine and Squiggy are practicing their swing routine when Carmine and Shirley walk in.)  
Christine: Squiggy! Andrew! You have to pick me up and twirl me around in the air! Do that!  
(For some strange reason, there are gymnastic mats all over the floor.)  
(Squiggy picks up Christine and tries to twirl and drops her )  
(Now you know why there are gymnastic mats. He could kill her on a bare wood floor)  
Christine: (from the floor, where she landed face down) Shirley, Carmine, can you help me up?   
(They peel her off the mat where there's a permanent imprint of her body)  
Shirley: He keeps dropping you in the same place, huh?   
Christine: Oh no, that was the first time...... or the 5th....... actually more like the 15th, or 20th. But what's the difference? We're getting better!  
Squiggy: Yeah, she don't sink into the floor no more and she don't make that big noise when she falls either.   
Christine: Guys, can you help us? What are we doing wrong?   
Carmine: First of all these mats....  
Shirley: You want her to smash her face into the wood this time?   
Carmine: The mats stay.  
Shirley: Then, you have to trust Squiggy. He's not _always_ gonna drop you.   
Carmine: You're asking for too much here Shirl.   
Christine: I can do that.  
(Squiggy lifts her in the air, she relaxes and falls flat on her face again.)  
Shirley: The problem isn't you Christine.   
Christine: Then who is it?   
Carmine: Squiggy's made of rubber.   
Squiggy: Hey, I stopped eatin' erasers last year, I ain't got no more rubber.  
Carmine: I mean you have no strength. Christine's probably the same weight as Shirley.....  
Shirley: Don't hold your breath.   
Carmine: (ignores her while Christine glares at her) So you need to go to the weight room and lift so you can get stronger and lift her in the air like an eraser.   
Shirley: You go do that, and I'll go to my room with Laverne, who can beat anyone up.   
(Shirley's talking like an idiot because Christine has no started rolling up her sleeves and walking towards Shirley)  
Shirley: Or I'll stay with Carmine, golden gloves champ in his age group three years in a row.   
Carmine: Four.   
Shirley: Even better!  
(She now proceeds to run for her life in the hotel to her room because Christine has also started running)  
  
(Laverne is walking around looking for Lenny)  
Laverne: Lenny! Len, where are ya? We gotta practice for the dance contest! Len!   
(Lenny walks out of room 3G with his clothes all rumpled up)  
Lenny: Okay, let's go.   
Laverne: Who's in room 3G? Oh, okay. It's only Haley. Len, we gotta practice, c'mon.   
(they walk towards the ballroom and are mowed down by Shirley, then by Carmine, then by Squiggy and then by Christine)  
Laverne: Hey, let me get outta this reunion!   
(she shoves them off and Shirley is racing down the hall in her white ballet costume. Christine in her red tap costume is running full speed, with Carmine and Squiggy right behind them)  
Carmine: Don't hit her face! Not the face!   
Squiggy: Hit the face Chrissy, my bull dog of love!!!   
Carmine: Don't encourage her!  
(turns around ready to punch Squiggy, which makes Squiggy run for his life. In the opposite direction. You know what will happen in just a few minutes.)   
(Lenny and Laverne are outside the ballroom talking when Lenny sees Christine and Shirley over Laverne's shoulder. And Laverne sees Carmine and Squiggy over Lenny's shoulder.)  
Lenny & Laverne: DUCK!!!  
(they jump into the ballroom and you hear a thunderous BOOM outside from the collide of..... 2 people.)  
Carmine: Very smart move angelface.   
Shirley: Did you see how fast we were running? We coulda killed each other!   
Laverne: What were you guys doin'?   
Shirley: Tag. What are you guys doing here?   
Lenny: We're gonna practice our dance routine.   
(Carmine locks all the doors to the ballroom)  
Shirley: Why'd you do that for?   
(there's pounding on the door)  
Christine: Shirley Feeney! Get out here and fight like a man!   
(Carmine raises an eyebrow, opens the door and is clobbered by Christine who thought it was Shirley)  
Christine: Oh, Carmine, I'm so sorry! I saw brillo hair and thought it was Shirley.   
Shirley: You musta been lookin' in the mirror.   
  
(about an hour later, they 6 of them are in the hotel security office. What a weird sight that is. Shirley in a white ballet dress, Squiggy in a sparkly disco-esqe suit, Christine in a red tap costume, Carmine in a white ballet costume [think 1960's "romeo and juliet"], and Lenny and Laverne in street clothes.)  
Cop: So, you rammed into them because.....  
Shirley: Because she was chasing me.  
Cop: And you were chasing _her_ because.....  
Christine: She called me fat.   
Shirley: I did not!   
Christine: Yes you did. (mocking Carmine's voice) Christine's probably the same weight as Shirley..... (now mocking Shirley's voice) Don't hold your breath.   
Cop: Is that true.   
Shirley: Yea, but then she punched him (points to Carmine) in the eye.   
Christine: I told you, I saw brillo hair and thought it was you. Doesn't she have brillo hair?  
Cop#2: A little actually.   
Cop: (to cop #2) Shut up. So you two guys were chasing after the girls....  
Squiggy: 'Cause we wanted to see the action.  
Carmine: Actually, 'cause Christine could probably beat the stuff outta her.  
Cop: So where do you two come in? (looks at Lenny and Laverne)  
Laverne: We were walking to the ballroom to practice our dance routine. Then they rammed into us. All 4 of 'em.  
Cop: Yea, and what happened after that?   
Shirley: I started running, and she started running after me.   
Cop: So how did the guys ram into you in different directions?  
Carmine: The guy with the dead worm on his head was telling her (points to Christine) to punch Shirley in the face.   
  
Stay tuned for the next part in this semi-exciting story!


	5. Default Chapter Title

**The Competition  
Part 5  
Guest starring: Christine #1, Christine #2, Ashley,   
Jessica, Haley, Stephanie   
  
**

  
After being interrogated by the hotel security, everyone is in the ballroom for an extra punishment dance class. The punishment: splits. For those who take pointe, around the room 20 times without falling. Those lucky ducks, Carmine, Lenny, Squiggy, and Derek are in their rooms since neither of them can do splits.   
  
(in the ballroom)  
Laverne: Shirl, I do another split and I'll split in half.   
Christine (#1): You're telling me.   
Teacher: This will teach you not to get messed up with hotel security anymore. Now whoever is in the swing contest, go get your partner and we'll practice your routines.   
  
(Christine #1, Shirley, Laverne, and Christine #2 leave the room to go get the guys, where ever the dance teacher has kept them hostage. [Christine#1 with Derek, Shirley with Carmine, Laverne with Lenny, Christine#2 with Squigg.])  
  
(three long and painful hours later, everyone is exhausted and backstage waiting for one of their routines to go on. What else do you when you're stressed and have about 20 minutes to kill and are in slippery ballet slippers? Chicken relay races behind the curtain, duh. [Chicken relay races are when you're on someone's shoulders and relay racing behind the curtain. Very exciting. And there's a very good chance of spraining / breaking your ankle.])  
  
Laverne: C'mon Len! Come back here! Run faster!   
(Lenny is racing with Haley on his shoulders, he lets her off and runs with Laverne to the other side)  
Christine(2): C'mon Squiggums!! Move it! Drop Ashley and come and get me! C'mon!   
(Squiggy puts Christine[2] on his shoulders and is very close to the ground so if she falls it's not a long fall.)  
Christine(1): Derek! Run like you've never run before! Move it! Come on!   
Stephanie: Christine, it's only a game. (to Carmine, who's on their team) Move it Carmine! Get over here! C'mon! Who cares if you drop her? Move it!   
Christine(1): Only a game, huh Steph? (raises eyebrow)  
  
(after about 20 minutes of this, a hotel security guard comes to the group and says)  
Guard: They're gonna take points of this group if you don't quiet down.   
  
(after that, everyone is jumping up and down since they can't scream at the guys.)  
  
(on Carmine's team, Shirley's on his shoulders when the judges announce very loudly their dance is next. All the girls run across the backstage and Shirley falls off and rolls under the curtain to.... you guessed it, an empty stage. In the middle of the stage there's a girl in a white ballet costume just lying there. Jessica runs out there, bows and drags her out by the ankle)  
  
Haley: Are you stupid or something? You don't bow and drag her out!   
Jessica: Well what would you have done?   
Haley: Probably the same thing.   
Christine(1) : Wake up Shirl! Wake up!  
Ashley: C'mon, wake up. This don't look good for us.   
Teacher: The routine is up, we can't do anything, the show must go on.   
Stephanie: But part of the show is unconscious!   
Teacher: Who's Shirley's understudy?   
Christine(2): Me! Me! That's me, the new star of this dance.   
Carmine: I hope I can left you, Christine.   
Christine(2): I'm light as a feather!  
(the guest stars and 20 of the other girls cough and snicker 'yeah right')  
Haley: Shirl, you gotta wake up! If you don't, Christine is gonna be the lead. The Squiggy Christine, not the other one. She'll be the lead, what you worked so hard for.   
Shirley: (opens her eyes and glares at Christine[2]) Over my dead body. (stands up) Star coming through. Star has come back from the great beyond.   
Derek: (to Carmine) Thank god, or you would have broken your arms.   
  
(after the routine [which went perfectly, no one met the stage face to face] everyone runs through the hallways to their rooms for the next routine which is in an hour. [They really do this, space a stressful and hectic hour between each routine])  
  
(in the ballroom, Laverne and Lenny are watching Carmine, Derek, and Shirley, and Christine[1] practice the routine on their tap shoes)  
Laverne: We're lucky, one dance and we're done. You have, how many?   
Carmine: 9.   
Derek: Is that counting the swing dance?   
Carmine: Okay, then, 10.   
Christine[1]: Us too, 10 dances.  
Lenny: What a load to lift.   
Shirley: You're telling us.   
  
(over the loudspeaker convieniently placed in the hallways and ballrooms)  
Loudspeaker: Routine #569 is now up. #569, please come to the backstage area.   
  
Shirley: That's us! Come on!   
(she runs out while everyone else is walking slowly)  
Shirley: What's wrong? Run!  
Derek: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Shirl.   
Shirley: Why not?   
(she then slips and falls on the tiled part of the floor)  
Three of them: That's why.   
  
(later that night, everyone [all 85 of them] has crowded into Ashley's room. How they fit, I don't have a clue. They're telling ghost stories, hoping that maybe one will come true.)  
  
Jessica: Anyway, I heard someone died on the 13th floor.   
Haley: How convienient, right on the 13th floor. 40 floors here, and he had to pick the 13th.  
Christine[1]: At least we're not on that floor.   
(a wave of relief passes over them when there's a loud bang on the door)  
Ashley: Who is it?   
Stephanie: Maybe the ghost decided to move to this floor.   
Teacher: (walks in) Everybody, guess what?   
Christine[2]: The judges dropped dead?   
Teacher: (rolls her eyes) We've been moved to another floor, with a beautiful scenic view of Chicago.   
(the room starts talking with excitement)  
Haley: Which floor is it?   
Teacher: The 13th.   
(the room is silent, with 85 jaws open and everyone glaring at Christine[1] who had said that nice "at least we're not there" remark.)  
Teacher: So pack up your bags, because tomorrow morning we're moving!   
(the door closes and about a 100 pillows clobber Christine[1] on the head [Sorry Winnie, but is was you who said that so it was you who got clobbered. No hard feelings, k?])  
  
(the next morning, everyone trudges the 10 flights of stars. Why not the elevator? Their teacher said they need some exercise)  
(Laverne and Shirley are roommates this time)  
Laverne: Well this room does have a nice view of Chicago.  
Shirley: Hello? Do you hear nothing? A person died up here. With any luck it was our room.   
(there's a loud thud on the door and Laverne opens the door. There's no one there)  
Laverne: (into the hallway) Real funny guys! Ding dong ditch in a hotel! Real classy.   
Shirley: Laverne......  
Laverne: I'll get ya all later!  
Shirley: Laverne!  
Laverne: What?   
Shirley: There's no one on this floor. They all went down to lunch.   
(they run screaming hysterically down the stairs, sliding down the banisters towards the 2nd floor where everyone's having lunch)  
  
(at the table with our guest stars)  
Ashley: Where could Laverne and Shirley be?   
Jessica: They always disappear at meal time.   
Stephanie: No, there they are. In their pajamas?   
(Laverne and Shirley sit at the table very out of breath.)  
Shirley: Room. (gasping) Haunted. Ghost. Die. Us.   
Everyone: What?   
Laverne: (gasping) We. Die. Ghost. Kill. Haunted.   
Haley: Oh! Their room is haunted and they're gonna die 'cause the ghost is gonna kill them.   
(everyone goes back to their lunch and look at them)  
Everyone: Your room is haunted and you're gonna die 'cause the ghost is gonna kill ya?   
  



	6. Default Chapter Title

**The Competition  
Part 5  
Guest starring: Christine #1, Christine #2, Ashley,   
Jessica, Haley, Stephanie   
**

  
The last time we left everyone........  
(in the dining room)  
Everyone: Your room is haunted and you're gonna die 'cause the ghost is gonna kill ya?   
(now back to that scene)  
Ashley: Come on, you're not gonna die.   
Christine(1): Your room isn't haunted, you guys.   
Laverne: How do you know? You've never been in there!  
Shirley: Yea, and the door was knocked on by no one.   
Haley: Look, so to prove it isn't haunted, we'll have a sleepover. All of us.  
Chrisine(2): So just 'cause they're gonna die we have to go along with them?   
(everyone throws a salt packet at her)  
Stephanie: OH, so maybe the room will be so crowded the ghost can't fit?   
(ducks to avoid the packets.)  
Jessica: That's a pretty good idea!   
(they all duck down to plan the sleepover)  
  
(later that night in 13D....... )  
  
Haley: Is eveyone here?   
(everyone mumbles an unsteady 'yeah')  
Haley: Okay, we're all gonna stick here all night so Laverne and Shirley know there's no ghost and they're not gonna die and they have friends who care.   
Carmine: And if there _is_ a ghost who's out to kill them?   
Jessica: Then we're all gonna die as friends.   
(everyone throws pillows at them)  
Derek: Who cares if we're gonna die as friends? We're gonna DIE, period.   
Stephanie: No we're not. The ghost is probably...... friendly.   
(a great Casper joke goes here, but I doubt Casper was around in the 50s)  
Lenny: Can we just go to sleep?  
Christine(1): Who sleeps at a sleepover?  
Guys: We do.   
(Laverne and Shirley, the guest stars, and the guys are sleeping in the bedroom [guys on floor in sleeping bags, no smut.] )  
(everyone else [73 people scattered around the hotel room] are sleeping)  
(suddenly, a loud thud is heard in the bedroom. Then another one. Shirley opens her mouth to scream and Carmine puts his hand over it)  
Laverne: What is it?   
Shirley: Go see what it is Carmine.   
Carmine: Why me? I don't wanna die!   
Ashley: You're the boxing champ here, go see!   
(all the girls shove him into the hallway. He looks around and hear's the thud again. Suddenly, he falls on the floor.)  
Shirley: Carmine, what is it? Carmine?   
Christine(1): Derek, go see what it is!   
Derek: I don't wanna go, I don't know how to box.   
Girls: Go!   
(after about half an hour, all the guys are gone. The thud is still going on, but now the girls are gonna have to go. Laverne's first 'cause she's the toughest. Five minutes later, she's not back and the thud is still going.)  
Jessica: Okay, the one by one thing isn't working. We all gotta go together.   
  
(they all get up and walk in the hallway, then they all fall down.)  
  
(the next morning........)  
  
Ashley: Where am I?  
Christine(2): The middle of a hallway.   
Derek: I have such a cramp in my back!  
Carmine: Me too.   
Shirley: How'd we all end up in a hallway?   
Haley: Someone's smart idea of going together to find the thumping noise.  
Squiggy: I'm afraid that would have to be me.   
(everyone scrambles up and away from Squiggy)  
Squiggy: Yeah, see, so I can fall asleep I bounce a ball on the wall.   
(he bounces it it makes the thumping noise)  
(everyone glares at him and throws pillows at him)  
  
(that afternoon, Laverne, Shirley, Carmine, and Lenny are in L&S's room cleaning up after the sleepover.)  
Shirley: I didn't get any sleep last night. (yawns)  
Laverne: Me either. And today's the (yawns) swing contest.   
Shirley: No.   
Carmine: Yeah.   
Shirley: We have to (yawns 3 times) practice.   
(collapses on her bed asleep)  
Laverne: Since Shirl is (yawns) sleeping, can you help us with our routine, Carmine?   
Carmine: Sure (yawns) why not?   
(they trudge out and head towards the door and the elevator while Shirley snores away)  
  
(about 3 hours later in the ballroom, Carmine, Laverne, and Lenny are asleep on the gymnastic mate Squiggy and Christine were using earlier)  
Laverne: (wakes up) Len, let's go get dressed for the contest.  
  
(they get out and leave and Carmine is left sleeping on the mats.)  
  



	7. Default Chapter Title

**"The Competition"  
Part 7  
Guest starring: Christine #1, Christine #2, Ashley,   
Jessica, Haley, Stephanie   
**

  
When we last left everyone, the swing competition was only a little while away, and Carmine and Shirley were snoozing away. Now Lenny, Laverne, Derek, and Christine(1) are watching Squiggy and Christine(2) perform their routine.  
  
(backstage)  
Laverne: I never thought she was strong enough to lift him.   
Christine(1): At least no one's fallen yet.  
Derek: That could change. His hair grease is dripping. She might trip.   
Laverne: Aren't you gonna knock on wood so it don't happen?   
Derek: That's why you GO to a swing competition. To see people fall.  
(Christine{1} playfully slaps him and then Squiggy and Christine{2} walk off the stage.)  
Lenny: That was real good Squigg. You didn't fall or nothin'.  
Squiggy: Yea, 'cause my little Chrissy pie didn't drop me.   
(Christine{1} and Laverne and Derek put on disgusted faces. )  
(next it's Christine and Derek's turn to do their routine.)  
  
(meanwhile, in the ballroom.......)  
Ashley: Well what do you know? I found myself a beefcake.   
(Shirley, who had woken up, sees this)  
Shirley: Back off, I branded him first.   
(Carmine is still snoozing away and Shirley slaps him in that face. He wakes up in an instant)  
Carmine: I didn't do it! Oh, it's you.  
Shirley: Well hello to you too. Look, you have to get dressed, the swing contest started!  
Carmine: Where's my costume?   
Shirley: Oh, no, it's in my room.  
Carmine: On the 13th floor.  
Shirley: Well run! Move it! I'll wait for you backstage!  
  
(she runs in her high heels to the auditorium and he runs to the elevator)  
  
(backstage, some couples from another studio are going, while Laverne and Lenny are talking. Suddenly, a hysterical and out of breath Shirley runs into the backstage area and runs nonstop screaming "Laverne! Laverne!" Laverne runs after her and calms her down)  
  
Laverne: Shirl, what's wrong? Where's Carmine?   
Shirley: He's (gasping) in the elevator getting his costume from his room.   
  
(in the elevator, Carmine is tapping his foot hoping it will go faster. Between the 9th and 10th floor, the elevator suddenly stops. He pushes the 'open door' button, and it doesn't budge. He presses the emergency help button, but nothing happens. Just great.)  
  
(meanwhile, Laverne & Lenny are trying to calm Shirley down)  
  
Laverne: Shirl, you keep pacing you're gonna wear a hole in the floor.  
Announcer: #489, 489, to the floor. I repeat, #489, come to the floor.  
Lenny: Hey Laverne, that's us. C'mon, don't be nervous, I ain't gonna drop ya much.  
Shirley: Good luck Vernie.   
Laverne: Hey, don't worry, Carmine will be here.   
  
(in the elevator......)  
Carmine: Boy, Shirl is gonna kill me.... Wait,is there a phone here?   
(opens a little box that says 'for emergencies only' and finds a bottle of rum and a cigar)  
Carmine: Just great. I'm gonna smoke and drink myself to death in an elevator.  
(he sits in a corner of the elevator hoping it'll get moving again)  
  
(Lenny and Laverne have finished their routine and waiting with Shirley. Then the guest stars run in with Carmine's costume)  
Shirley: You guys, this is great. But you knwo what I'm missing?   
Haley: What?   
Shirley: A person to put this costume on!! Where's Carmine?  
Jessica: We looked for him everywhere, on the 3rd floor in case he went there by mistake, and in every room on the 13th floor.   
(Laverne is brainstorming, and an idea comes to her)  
Laverne: Stephanie, you know for the jazz dance that black curly wig you guys had to wear?  
Stephanie: Yeah.   
Laverne: Go get that. I think I have an idea.  
  
(20 minutes later.......)  
(Laverne walks out of the dressing room wearing Carmine's costume and a black curly wig. Shirley's jaw drops open and she laughs)  
Shirley: Laverne, what are you doing ? This is no time to play dress up! Get out of that costume!   
Laverne: Look, you and Carmine rehearsed your routine a bunch of times, I know it by heart. And I hope I can lift ya.   
Shirley: You hope? You HOPE?   
Announcer: #678, 678, please come to the floor. #678, come to the floor.  
Stephanie: So are you going to go on?   
Shirley: What other choice do I have?   
  
(they walk out on the floor, and the music starts. Laverne, suprisingly, is able to lift Shirley. She swings her from side to side and carries her and twirls her around. The judges are talking)  
Judge(1): That boy looks very odd, doesn't he?   
Judge(2): Well he dances very well, and the girl does as well.   
Judge(1): But something about that boy, he seems so familiar.  
(the routine finishes and Laverne and Shirley run off stage and into the hallway)  
(They call the winners of the swing test and it's number............)  
Announcer: Number 489 is the winner, would couple number 489 please come to the floor and pick up your trophy.   
Laverne: Len! We won! We won Len! We won!   
(she rips off the Carmine wig and runs to the stage with Carmine's costume still on)  
Judge(1): Now I know where I know you! Laverne!  
Laverne: Uncle Funji? (is that how you spell it? I don't know.)  
Judge(2): Wait, uncle? I'm afraid family members can't enter.   
Laverne: No, he's my pop's best friend! He ain't my real uncle. We just call him that.   
(the guy hands Lenny the trophy and Laverne drags him to the backstage area.)  
Shirley: Oh, congratualations Laverne! You won! You won!   
Laverne: I can't believe it!! Me and Len actually won!!   
Shirley: I'm sorry I can't celebrate, but I have to find Carmine. What if he's hurt or something?   
Laverne: Okay, come on everyone, let's go.   
  
(they all run out and into the hallway. They then head to the elevator and press the button.)  
Stephanie: Must be stuck.   
(Shirley's eyes open wide)  
Shirley: Carmine took the elevator to get to our floor.   
Lenny: I'll go get security.   
(he runs down the hall and the girls keep stabbing the button)  
  
(10 minutes later, a guard and some firemen run to the where the girls are and use a crowbar to get the doors open)  
Fireman: It's stuck between the 9th and 10th floor.   
(everyone runs up to the 10th floor)  
  
(meanwhile, in the elevator, Carmine is singing to himself)  
Carmine: Nobody knows.... the trouble I've seen...... nobody knows.... oh, this song is getting boring.   
(he closes his eyes for a minute and lays against a wall. )  
Carmine: I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places, that this heart of mine embraces all day through....  
  
(about 5 feet above the shaft, the girls start shrieking)  
Shirley: That's him! He's singing! That's him! He's alive!  
Laverne: He was never dead, Shirl.  
(Shirley, in a moment of insanity {that's what I'm gonna call it} jumps past the firemen and on top of the shaft)  
Laverne: Shirl, have you lost your mind? Get back here!   
(Laverne jumps down on the shaft and suddenly, it starts to move)  
(Shirley then screams her lungs out)  
Haley: You idiots! How can you do something that stupid?   
(Laverne jumps down on the cover of the top of the elevator and it busts open.)  
  
(Carmine, wallowing in misery, looks up and sees Laverne's foot)  
Carmine: Great, I'm gonna die and I'm going to hell.  
Shirley: Carmine, help me down!   
Carmine: (stands up) Shirl? Is that you?   
Shirley: Yes, now help me in! We're getting close to the top and if we're not in there, we're gonna be crushed!  
(Laverne jumps down into the shaft and Shirley is slowly wriggling her way in)  
Carmine: Shirl, there's only 3 more floors to go! Hurry!   
(She lets herself go and falls on her butt on the floor)  
(they hug each other and kiss very passionetly)  
Carmine: Shirl, are stupid or somethin'? how could you jump down on an elevator shaft? (looks at Laverne) And you, how could you let her?  
(they ride down to the 13th floor where everyone is waiting.)  
Shirley: I guess the 13th floor ain't so bad.  
  
And that's the end of this miniseries. For the entire series (in case you missed one) [E-mail me here.][1]  
  


  


   [1]: mailto:ShirlFeeney@aol.com



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